


Two Hands

by IMakeMyselfLol



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: All communication all the time, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Communication, F/F, F/M, Fjord Has Feelings (Critical Role), Gay Disaster Beauregard Lionett, Good Friend Yasha (Critical Role), Jester Lavorre-centric, Jester takes the leap, M/M, Multi, Pining Jester Lavorre, Polyamory, Radical honesty, Relationship Discussions, Yasha Knows Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28038441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IMakeMyselfLol/pseuds/IMakeMyselfLol
Summary: Jester has complicated feelings. Yasha does girl talk. Beau finds her courage. Fjord is perceptive. Caleb makes a promise. Communicating is hard.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 23
Kudos: 108





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Insert the *Jester has got two hands* meme

It starts with a kiss. That is not technically true. It starts with a sweet tiefling girl meeting a sailor in Port Damali, and the two of them agreeing to travel together to the Soltryce academy in Zadash. It starts with them meeting a brash monk, and all three making their way to a tavern. It starts with a stinky wizard and a goblin girl hiding in plain sight. It starts with a travelling carnival, with a dark angel and a showman, and zombies and frog people and a little girl with magic in her song. 

The Mighty Nein, having recovered their first threshold crest and en route to Aeor, seem so far from those people. Unrecognisable almost to a one. Caleb smelled like a campfire now, and through his power had returned Veth to her hafling form - no stinky wizard and goblin anymore. Beau was an expositor, and a good one at that. Yasha had discovered her feathers. Fjord was their captain, Jester their light, their glue. Caduceus was their wisdom, calm in a storm. Molly… Molly was gone, but the person wearing his face was going to destroy the world. So much had changed between them, bonded them forever in a way that would have felt like a shackle to Yasha 6 months ago, smothering when she was called to the wild and the Storm. Now, as she surveys them all, sleeping scrunched together in the warm familiarity of the dome she feels her heart clench. This was her tribe, and she loved them in that quiet, ferocious way that she had learned at Zuala’s side. She watches the rise and fall of their steady breathing, her book in her hands, just resting open on the page where the faint imprint of a four leaf clover lingered like a ghost of the first true friend she had ever made. 

Yasha could admit, to herself at the very least, that she was struggling with it all. Giving Lucien the pressed gift, she had hoped, would help settle her, help give some sort of closure. Maybe stupidly, her heart refused to accept that Molly was not in there, could not be pulled forth by the force of her love alone. She understood that it was not him walking around, killing archmages and trying to bring a cursed city into the material plane, and they were going to have to fight him, probably very soon, but still, she wanted him to be safe. Still, she cared. It was infuriating. 

“If you keep holding that so tightly I think it might break Yasha.” Jester whispered from her pile of blankets, eyes wide. Yasha gasped, surprised that she was not alone, but unclenched her grip, closing the book carefully with an embarrassed shrug.

“I didn’t realise I was strangling it quite so well. What has you awake, Jester? I would have thought you were exhausted after the uhh baby battle. That was very impressive by the way, what you did with the butterflies and everything. I was a little” Yasha feigns batting a bauble “at the time.” Jester grins, sitting up more fully, though still wrapped in her blankets, and scooting over towards Yasha’s spot at the bubble’s edge. 

Jester leans close to her, beckoning Yasha in conspiratorially, and Yasha leans close so they just barely have to breathe their words out. “Can you keep a secret Yasha?” She asks, and Yasha thinks about all of the secrets she has carried - from Caleb’s feelings, to her marriage - and nods. 

“Of course, Jester. If you want me to keep it, I will.” 

Jester looks at the rest of their party, making sure they’re all fast asleep before speaking. “He kissed me. Fjord. Like, for real this time - no one was drowning or anything.” She blushed as she spoke, and Yasha felt her mouth curl up into a smile at Jester’s sweetness. 

“Well, that’s great Jester! I’m very happy for you. Did you… like it? Is that a weird question, I’m sorry, I am not usually people’s first choice for girl talk so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to ask exactly.” Yasha fumbled with her words, but Jester’s smile doesn’t falter, although Yasha watches a little  _ something _ skate across her expression. 

“I did. Very much. He came to my room and he said he wouldn’t know what to do if anything reeeeally bad happened to me because he hadn’t been able to stop the magic on that weird pedestal, and then he was like” and Jester sort of puffed out her chest and shoulders, as much as one could wrapped in a nest of blankets, deepening her voice to something that could be similar to Fjord’s “I care for you very much Jester, and then he sort of pulled me in and asked if he could kiss me.” 

Yasha can imagine it, and her heart warms at the thought of how happy they could be together. “That is very romantic, Jester. Henry would approve.” She winked at the tiefling and was rewarded with a round of giggles muffled in her blankets. 

“I’ll have to tell him about it sometime, I wonder if I can send him a message…” Jester muses, and Yasha watches her, sensing some tension pulled taut like a thread under the surface. Yasha, tentatively, reaches one hand out, placing it on Jester’s shoulder and feeling her stiffen and then relax back into it, half lying against Yasha’s side. 

“There is something… else. Isn’t there?” Yasha asks, softly, as if Jester is an animal that will spook at the first sign of danger. It takes a while. They sit in silence, Yasha content to wait until Jester is ready to talk about it or falls asleep - whichever happens first. She is silent for so long that Yasha is shocked to feel the brush of her horns against her shoulder moving as she nods. 

“Yasha… do you think a person can love someone, like a lot, and maybe have had some feelings since the first time they met and… be very happy that something finally happened, like ecstatic. But,” she hears Jester swallow hard, glancing at the wizard curled around his cat in his sleep “but _maybe_ the person also has some feelings for maybe another person also. And that is confusing, because they’re happy and love the first person, but the other person is still… there? In their head?”

Yasha contemplates for a moment, wrapping her arm around Jester’s shoulders in a half hug so she knows that the quiet is not judgment, just thought. Jester’s idea of romance had been formed by storybooks and rich patrons of her mother’s, and Yasha can’t help but wonder if the tragedy of Marion’s heart belonging to the Gentleman had more of an impact than anyone had originally thought. 

“Well,” Yasha begins, “I can only speak to what I know, but… I think that it is definitely possible to care for two people at the same time. I will always love Zuala, part of my heart is buried with her - but I,” Yasha knows she is blushing, her pale skin betraying her - they have not spoken about it yet, but there is a push and pull that has been going on as they travel that is exciting, a prelude to something more - “care for Beau. They both have a place in my heart. I have travelled a bit, and seen many different ways to live. Do you know that in some parts of Xhorhas it is not uncommon to have a relationship that is three partners? Or four even?” Jester turns to fully face her, hanging on every word and Yasha’s heart is filled with love for her.

“Really?” Jester asks quietly, “And they are in love? All of them?” Yasha thinks on how best to explain the intricacies of this to Jester, because this was clearly going to be a very important conversation for a lot of people. 

“Do you have a piece of parchment and some ink?” In an instant Jester scrambled for her bag, pulling out her sketchbook and handing it to Yasha before settling in like a student eager for a lesson and Yasha has a distinct flash of what it must have been like for Jester’s tutors growing up. “Ok ok ok, so. There are lots of different ways this type of relationship might work, it seems to be different for everyone. I guess the first thing is that they call it polyamory, but you can call it whatever you want to.” Yasha begins to draw little stick figures on the page. “So say for example this one is you,” She adds little horns to one of the figures “and this one is Fjord, and the third one is…” Yasha does not say anything as Jester meets her eyes, something fragile there, asking if she is seen. She still says nothing, only draws a little cat at the feet of stick Caleb and watches Jester’s half smile grow watery. 

“That obvious?” Jester asks shakily, and Yasha shakes her head. 

“You were not. He is… much less subtle.” A little gasp from Jester at that. Shit. “Did you think he did not care for you? Was that not why you wanted to know...I assumed he had also maybe said something.” Jester shakes her head. “Ok, well… if he is the other that you were speaking of, I would not be too worried.” 

“I wasn’t sure if he… because he really was pushing me towards Fjord and stuff, but when he read me that storybook from when he was little, I thought maybe he might...I don’t know.” Jester shrugged and Yasha cleared her throat carefully, conscious of the fact that anyone could wake up at any moment and this conversation needed to happen. For all their sakes.

“Well, if you do decide to maybe see what could happen with him as well,” Yasha looked back down at the sketch book, drawing arrows between Fjord and Jester and between Jester and Caleb “it might be that you are with both of them, and each of them is only with you. Or, I do not know about Fjord but Caleb has had relations with men also before, so maybe it could be all three of you together,” and she draws an arrow between Caleb and Fjord “and if you were all comfortable it could be that you are together but also open to other connections either as individuals or as a group. The main thing is that you should discuss it openly before you make any choices so everyone is on the same page. You know?” 

“And what if I say this to them and they think I’m… that I don’t care for them really because I care about the other person?” Jester asks nervously, fiddling with a paintbrush. 

“I can’t say what Fjord might think of it, but I am fairly sure that Caleb used to be involved with both of his schoolmates.” Yasha shrugs as Jester gets a mischievous look.

“Oooooh was there tension at that dinner? I was too busy being kind of a dick to Astrid to pay much attention to stuff like that.” 

“I definitely saw Caleb look at Eadwulf’s forearms and sort of blush at one point so he would probably open to some kind of arrangement if that was what you wanted. Fjord… he is a nervous sort under it all, but he says he likes all cards on the table in his relationships, straightforward stuff, so it would make sense to at least talk about it with him. I don’t think it would change how he feels about you if that’s what you’re worried about.” Yasha pushes the sketchbook back into Jester’s hands, patting one with her own in what she hoped was a supportive way. Jester simply looked at the crude drawings for a few moments, a little smile on her lips.

“Yasha? Thank you, for this. I know you must think I’m a bit silly for not asking my Mama about this stuff but I wouldn’t want to have had this girl talk with anyone else, you’re very good at it!” and Jester leaned in, enveloping her in a tight hug. Yasha wrapped her arms around Jester in return, savouring the hug.

“I don’t think you’re silly Jester. I think you’re brave, and clever. Many people would not have the courage to ask questions, or to acknowledge feelings that they think are not meant to be there. I’m glad you did.” 

Jester chuckled at that and pulled back. “Thanks Yasha. I think I’m going to sleep now - are you staying up? If you are, I can keep you company - if you have difficult feelings you want to talk about, I am your girl.” 

Yasha thought about it, the tumultuous knot that was her feelings about Molly weighing heavy on her chest, but she was not sure she could articulate them properly out loud right now. “Maybe another time. I’m pretty tired too so I think I will go to sleep as well.” She knew before it happened that Jester was going to suggest the space next to Beau. “Just, right here, where I am. For now.” 

“You’d tell me if you guys had like, kissed and stuff - right?” Jester grinned as she nestled down into a ball of blankets next to Beau and Yasha blushed as she did the same where she was. 

“Yes, I will tell you when we… kiss and stuff. You can tell me if you want to have another one of these talks or if you have that conversation as well.” 

“Ok, I will. Night Yasha.” Jester closes her eyes with a yawn.

“Goodnight Jester.” Yasha replies, allowing herself one quick glance over at Beau’s sleeping form before she too closed her eyes, praying for ease in the days ahead, and that the dangers they might face are able to be held at bay. At least long enough for them all to talk. Communication problems indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau finds her courage. Fjord is perceptive. Communicating is a lot easier when you actually do it.

Beau could admit she was being maybe a tiny bit of a coward. In her defense, they were in the middle of some intense shit right now, and things were not getting any less fucked as they went. The number of weird additions they’d had in the tower recently hadn’t helped matters but if she was being 100% honest, cards on the table, she was intimidated. 

Yasha had given her note, a perfect opening gambit, and with the ball firmly in Beau’s court, she was struggling. Of course she had ideas, but nothing seemed right. Beau had kept her eyes peeled for any ice mountain native flowers but no such luck had come to fruition. They were thousands of miles away from the nearest bar. Eiselcross sucked, and Aeor was bound to be way worse so sue her for having a difficult time figuring out exactly how to show Yasha...stuff. All her ideas seemed lame when it came to Yasha, she wanted it to be great, because Yasha deserved great. Beau just wasn’t sure she could deliver that.

Beau pulls her coat more tightly around herself as she trudges forward, eyes peeled for the slightest motion in the vast brilliant white. This is probably why she noticed the little glances between Jester, prancing up ahead with Yasha, and Fjord on her left. The fifth time it happens, Beau just catches the darkening green on Fjord’s windswept cheeks and it hits her like a ton of bricks. 

“You _sneaky little_ -” She is promptly cut off as a wide-eyed Fjord claps a hand over her mouth before anyone else can hear her. 

“Shhhh _shshshshs_ h. All right, will you _keep it down_ if I let go?” Fjord pleads and Beau rolls her eyes, ducking low and out from his grip. She promptly thumps him in the shoulder. 

“What the hell dude!?” Beau stage whispers, throwing her arms wide. “I thought we were bros! Captain and first mate shit! How could you not tell me! When the hell did _this_ happen?” She hits him again for good measure. 

“All right, all right, geez. I was going to tell you but I…” Fjord’s eyes drift to Jester's back and his face softens. “I just wanted to, I don’t know, keep things between us for a bit. Not jinx it.” Beau nods understandingly, thinking of the note tucked in her bags, deliberately keeping her eyes fixed on Fjord and not on Yasha’s long strides. 

“I just didn’t think you were there yet, on Rumblecusp it seemed like you were gonna take things slow - don’t get me wrong this is great, I’m super happy for you guys I just, I’m a little surprised I guess.” Beau asks at a whisper, making sure no one in the Nein at least is listening in. Fjord shrugs. 

“I thought so too.” He huffs a sad laugh. “And then she stepped off that pedestal with 5 years of her life just… gone. I didn’t do anything to protect her, even though I promised her Mother that I would.” Beau reaches out, grasping his forearm so he turns to face her.

“Fjord. You can’t blame yourself for that, none of us knew what was going to happen - we do our best to keep each other safe but sometimes we can’t stop things from happening. That’s not on you.” Fjord gives her a forlorn half smile and continues.

“Either way. She stepped off that thing and I realised just how fragile it all is. We put our lives on the line every day and I keep putting things off because the timing is shaky or because I’m still caught up in something with Uk’otoa.” He shakes his head, lamenting his own inaction before going on. “I keep acting like we have all this time to waste but really we don’t, and her losing those years just made it seem so...stupid. Why wait to be happy when we could lose everything without ever really knowing what we had? Why not choose to be happy while we can still make the choice?” Beau is dumbstruck by his simple explanation. He is right, and she knows it. They could die any moment - hell, she could have died in the stomach of that fucking baby and Yasha would never have gotten the chance to know how she felt about her. 

“That is super fuckin’ insightful, man - Caduceus level wisdom right there.” Beau grins at him, and Fjord waves a hand, ever humble in the face of a genuine compliment. ”And it's going well? You guys are good?” Around them, fresh snow begins to fall.

“I’m learning, Wildmother and whatnot. There’s maybe a… vibe I’m getting from Jester.” Fjord gets shy suddenly, and Beau is very much intrigued by whatever can cause that reaction.

“A  _ vibe _ ? What kind of vibe?”

“She,” Fjord takes a moment, seemingly choosing his words carefully “I can tell that she wants...something. Not... _ from  _ me, exactly, but just...I know she’s happy, and I’m happy. But there’s something more that she wants, maybe she’ll ask me for it, maybe she won’t, all I know is that I’d do pretty much anything to give her the life she wants so. I think we’re good, on the cusp of great if she wants to go there. We’ll see. Would you do me a favour though and just, keep this to yourself for now?” Beau nods, letting her eyes drift over to Jester, who is laughing affectionately at something a red-eared and grinning Caleb had turned to say to her. A  _ vibe _ indeed.

Now that she’s looking, Beau can’t help sneaking a glance at Yasha’s imposing figure cutting through the snow like it is nothing. Fjord, for all his perception issues, doesn’t let the motion go unnoticed. “What about you? Any movement on the Yasha front?”

For a moment, Beau contemplates lying to him. It's a reflex from a past life, when people inquiring about her personals was always a precursor to their destruction, and she pulls herself together. Fjord is her friend. He isn’t trying to squeeze info from her to use against her later. “She uh. Gave me a note, a few days back, before we left really, about how she feels safe around me and stuff.” Fjord’s jaw drops, his mouth curving into a shocked smile.

“That’s huge! What did you say back?” His question hangs in the air a beat too long and the truth, that she hasn’t responded, is extremely obvious. “Beau you can’t be serious, why the hell haven’t you done something?”

She sighs, running her hand through the short hair at the base of her skull nervously. “It’s...I want it to be perfect, ya know? Like, I want to take her on an actual fucking date. I want to take care of her, man, and I know she doesn’t need me to, she’s perfectly fine taking care of herself, and she probably couldn’t care less what I do as long as I do something but I dunno I just...she deserves to be taken care of. Wooed and shit. I don’t want to let her be another notch in my belt or make things weird or whatever I just...” Beau knows she’s blushing, betrayed by her own face. “Look, Yasha spent her entire marriage hiding how she and Zuala felt about each other, I figure that means there probably wasn’t a lot of opportunity to do the things most people get to do and I guess I just want to give her the traditional first date experience if I can, a new beginning for us both, ya know? But we’re in the middle of buttfuck nowhere and I don’t know how to not fuck this up.”

Fjord blinks in silence as she trails off. “Ok, right, a lot to unpack there. That is all _incredibly_ thoughtful, Beau. You know that you could just, you know, _say_ this stuff to her and she would understand, right? If it were me, and I had given someone I cared about a note saying as much, and then they didn’t even acknowledge it for a week, I would be freaking out.” 

“I KNOW! I know. It was a pretty great note.” Beau could feel her shoulders coming up around her ears before Fjord’s hand clasped onto one and pushed it down gently.

“Ok, so why not make your move? It might not be perfect but I’m sure there’s some way that we could make a date happen, how difficult can it be it’s not spell transcription.” And just like that, an epiphany lights up in Beau’s brain. Of course.  _ Caleb.  _

“Fjord you’re a genius.” And with that she pelts off towards Caleb, leaving a baffled Fjord in the dust. 

She skidded to a stop at Caleb’s elbow, Frumpkin’s plaintive meow the only greeting as Caleb stuffed a book back in his jacket. “Hey, Caleb? Magic question; if I wanted to change something in the tower would I have to do it ahead of time or could I just like, will it into existence when I’m in there?” 

There is a beat where Caleb looks mildly confused and then a knowing glimmer appears in his eye and Beau groans. “Well, I would have to know the specifics ahead of time, you personally could not change the tower. If you tell me what you require I can do my best to achieve it. Circle of trust.” And he taps the side of his nose twice, conspiratorially. 

“Ok, cool, I’ll let you know.” Beau replies, tapping her own nose and allowing her thoughts to run ahead of her, hoping to coalesce them into the perfect date plan. First step, ask Yasha if she wanted to go on it. Easier said than done with everyone around, but with Fjord onside she could get him to sweep forward with Jester and then Yasha would be at the back of the group and she could stop her and they could talk. The most important aspect of any romantic endeavour is of course strategy. 

Fjord sidles up to Jester and Yasha, casual as anything, and sure enough in moments Yasha is falling back, giving them space and privacy to talk without a word. Beau knows her moment has arrived, and so has the sweat and adrenaline that precede a cliff dive, but she rounds the side of the pack and allows herself to just happen to fall into step with Yasha. She can do this.

“Hey.” Her voice cracks. Fuck, great start Beau. Yasha startles at her voice appearing from nowhere.

“Oh, hey, everything ok?” Yasha asks softly, and Beau breathes deep, putting out a hand to stop Yasha in her tracks. Here goes nothing.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m really, really...nervous.” 

Yasha nods seriously. “Yeah. Really, really, really nervous.” 

“Oddly, not about” Beau gestures to the tundra around them and the forward path that would lead them inexorably to their doom, “this. It’s kinda. You, uh you make me nervous. In a good way. I have cotton mouth.” 

“Oh.” Yasha’s eyes grow wide as Beau goes on.

“I read your note.” and at that Yasha flushes, her hands awkwardly coming up to gesticulate wildly around her.

“I thought I really fucked up and I just was like, was it too much-” Beau feels like a complete idiot, interjecting as soon as she can to assure Yasha that she definitely hadn’t thought it was too much.

“No! No it was great.” Yasha rambles on nervously, her hat skewed on her head and snowflakes landing in her eyelashes and fuck Beau is gone on her. 

“And I just, Ok you did read it. I thought maybe you didn’t read it and, or you did and were just like I don’t wanna…”

“No! I read it and then like, we kept having weird houseguests like the yetis and Dagen and then we’d say goodnight and I’d be like agh, it doe- I’m rambling. Weird question,” Beau steels herself, feeling the sweat beads physically pooling at her hairline. “But we might die soon?”

“Yeah.” Yasha nods along and Beau swallows hard.

“Do you wanna like, go on a date or something?” Beau laughs nervously as she asks, heart thumping in her chest.

Yasha’s jaw hangs open for a second before she can respond. “Yes, of course.”

Beau is elated, she wants to punch the air or flip or something but instead she beams up at Yasha’s gently pleased face. “Yeah? Ok! I never do anything the right way but I want to do this the right way, like we had a beginning and then we had a you stabbed me thing and now we can have like, a, a second beginning?” What the fuck is she even saying at this point she is full ramble no stopping her but Yasha seems to be happy about it.

“I would love that more than _anything._ And, just, uh, I feel weirdly happy and excited in this weird place. Wow. I just feel good. You know when you like, start acting weird or stupid around someone and you’re just like why can’t I just act normal?”

“Yeah.” Beau relates to that one almost too much. 

“I think...it’s…” Yasha stutters as she goes and Beau just stares at her, hanging onto every word “I. I like you, Beau.” 

“Yeah I like you a lot too.” Yasha makes a face as Beau speaks that is so cute she might die, a little happy oh that lights up her features and Beau wants to kick herself for not doing this sooner. “I know we’re in, like, a weird situation where there’s no bars but I have ideas, I asked Caleb if we could do some stuff to the tower so. Do you want, like, is tonight too soon? Should we wait for the weekend? What day is it!?”

“Ok, yeah, I would love that. I don’t even know what day it is but if we live, let's go on a date. And then if we go on the date and you’re like not into it anymore that’s ok too.” The chances of that are pretty slim but Beau finds it kinda sweet that Yasha is giving an out if they need it.

“Same! Yeah I don’t want to make it weird or anything, I wanted to ask you sooner but I… really sweaty.” Yasha chuckles at that.

“It looks good on you, you have a nice...dew.” They laugh together and Yasha sighs contentedly. “Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this, well um, I’m looking forward to it.” A beat. “Stay alive please.”

“Yeah, you too! Let’s go, you know, find a lava river to cross. Save the world.”

“Ok.” And with that Yasha slinks forward, and Beau could swear that there’s a sway in her hips that wasn’t there earlier as she takes a breath, grinning broadly to herself. That went way better than she expected. 

Beau takes her time rejoining Caleb, who’s knowing look transforms into a full on knowing grin as she explains in great detail what she wants their date space to be like. “It shall be done, no problem. I am, uh, happy for the both of you. It is about time Yasha let herself have some happiness. And you as well, Beauregard. Good things for good people.” Beau knocks gently into his shoulder with her own as they walk onward.

“Thanks Caleb. You know…” Beau considers whether she should go there or not, but she can’t not say something “you deserve some happiness too Caleb. If you want something… all you have to do is ask for it.” Beau tilts her head subtly backward, and before Caleb can fully voice any of his spluttering protests, simply pats him on the back and jogs forward to join Veth and Caduceus.

After all, she needs to focus. She has 6 hours to plan the best first date ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Jester's Pov! If you want come find me on Tumblr @oopsalldnd :)


	3. Chapter 3

Jester waits until she’s almost 100% sure that everyone is asleep or in their own room at the least to do it.

Her heart has been thumping, unsteady against her ribs all day as they walked through the snow, her mind consumed with thoughts of what she and Yasha had talked about the night before. She couldn’t help but let her gaze flicker to a blushing Fjord throughout the day, couldn’t help but tease Caleb gently to hear his once rare laughter ring out around her. All her life, Jester had wanted to make people happy, trying her hardest to be a light for the people she cared about - she had picked Jester as her name for that exact reason. She was realising, as the Nein continued on their journey, farther and farther away from anything she had even thought to dream of before, that she had really never thought about what it would look like if she tried to make _ herself _ happy too. Looking happy was easy, it came to her like breathing, steady as an old friend at her elbow _. Being _ happy, on the other hand...she was finding that to be a lot more challenging than she had thought it was going to be.

There had been so much hurt in the Nein, hardships and sorrows, loss dripping off them like rain even when they won, that Jester hadn’t hesitated once to offer as much of herself as she could to bring light to their journey - even when it hurt her. She had never wanted much in her life - contented with her paints and dresses and pastries, and her friends, of course. These days though… she wanted a lot more than she maybe deserved, or at least it felt that way. Who in their right mind would have Fjord, a pirate captain with a gentle soul, kiss them and still think of someone else? She was getting to live out one of the stories from her books - so why the hell was Caleb still in her head, in her heart? For such a long time she had ached with shame - what type of person couldn’t make up their mind, couldn’t just be happy that Fjord wanted them? Fjord was perfect for her, and she loved him (not that he needed to know that yet - she was pretty sure that was part of the playing the games) but Caleb…somehow had found his way into her thoughts and never left them.

Until last night, she had thought that this was her failing, her shame. Mama had only ever _ loved _ one man - the Gentleman held her heart even now, and that was what Jester had always thought she would one day experience, that great love story that spans the decades and inspires songs. When Yasha had explained polyamory to her, it seemed so simple. Like she had spent weeks and months worrying that someone would figure her out for nothing. Like the happiness that had seemed so out of reach was actually just in front of her if she was brave enough to ask for it. Fjord had always done his best to give her what she wanted, and Jester knew that, if she asked, he would consider it. Considering it was more than she had ever hoped he might do, and if he was not comfortable with it then that was ok, because at least he would know, she wouldn’t be lying to him about anything. That was very important to her, that they never lied when it was just the two of them. He could lie to the others, and she could, but when it comes down to it they were honest to each other. She just had to ask.

Jester is pulled from her musings by a knock at her door. “Jester?” Fjord whispers blearily from the other side, “I got your message.” 

Jester gulps, sending a quick prayer to the Traveler for luck before she replies ,a little too chirpily, “Come on in!”

Fjord slips into her rooms barefoot and drowsy and Jester feels her heart skip a beat at his soft smile when he sees her perched in an armchair by the fire. “Everything ok?” he asks as he shuffles closer, wrapping an arm around her, and Jester hopes he doesn’t feel her shiver against his chest before he pulls back and takes a seat. Jester smiles nervously up at him, wringing her hands a bit. She can do this.

“Fjord…you know I really care about you, right? Like, really really? You know that?” She isn’t sure why, but Fjord is instantly on alert, a look of wavering caution on his face. 

“That sounds… incredibly ominous Jester. I mean, I do know, and I care for you deeply also, but it does feel a bit like you’re about to say something terribly noble like” and here he switches to an intentionally poor imitation of her voice that is a very endearing attempt, Jester can tell, at bringing levity to a situation that has frightened him,  _ “Fjooooor _ d, we cannot be together because the world might end and Lucien might see us _ kissing _ or something,” and Fjord swoons, blinking up at her theatrically. Jester laughs, shaking her head as she leans forward in her chair to take Fjord’s hand in her own.

“No no no no no no no, I am not as noble as all that, I guess you’ll have to live with Lucien watching us kiss for another while. Do you think he would? You know what don’t answer that I think I don’t want to know actually.” Jester shudders at the thought of the spying eye of their purple friend. Fjord sags subtly in relief, allowing a proper toothy grin to light up his face, tusks poking out proudly. 

“I don’t think my mind would be on that if we were... you know.” And there is the forest green blush that Jester adores. She can’t help but lean in and press a gentle kiss to his lips then, feeling his calloused palm reach up to cradle her face as they kiss. It is sweet, just tipping the far side of chaste as she feels herself smiling against his mouth that is already so familiar to her, so comforting. Traveler help her, she could stay doing this forever and never get to what she had meant to. Reluctantly, Jester breaks their kiss, but stays close. Fjord stares into her with big affectionate eyes and she loves him so much, will this hurt him? She doesn’t think she could live with herself if she hurt him. 

“Hey _ , hey, _ Jester,” Fjord takes her hand as she looks away, overwhelmed before she has even said anything, “it’s ok. Tell me what’s wrong?” She laughs tearily, shrugging her shoulders.

“There’s nothing wrong, that’s the whole point, Fjord. I… I want _ …I _ am what’s wrong.” Jester watches his brow furrow in growing concern as he scoops her closer to him. 

“I don’t think that could be possible, Jess. What about you is wrong? Far as I know only one of us is being hunted by an eldritch snake god for eating an eyeball, so how wrong could you be really?” Gods he is sweet. Jester gives him a watery smile. “You wanna tell me what’s eating you? If you don’t that’s fine, I’ll let it go no questions asked. But if it’s something I can help with, I hope you would tell me. No lies, remember?”

She exhales, long and slow, calming herself as best she can. Cards on the table. “I… the other night, on our watch, Yasha and I were talking about relationships and stuff. And I, you know that I do not have much experience with what a normal relationship is like - not that Mama’s relationships are like _ weird _ or something but they were like, more business than anything else.”

“Except for the Gentleman.” Fjord prompts gently, just a subtle acknowledgment that he is listening, is paying full attention to what Jester has to say. She smiles weakly at him and nods.

“Except for my Dad, but that was more painful for her than anything. When I was little I wished so hard for him to come back to her, and she explained to me that for her there was no one else, her heart was his, you know? She couldn’t give away something that belonged to him. And I… I always thought I would be just like her. Not the part where he never came _ back _ , but all the rest of it? But I don’t think I am.” Jester knows that tears have begun to spill over onto her cheeks before Fjord reaches up to wipe them away with careful hands.

“What’s wrong with that, I don’t want to make you feel… beholden, or like you would be giving up your heart for me? I’m  _ certainly _ not worth that.” He looks stricken, and Jester kisses his cheek.

“You are _ definitely _ worth that Fjord, and I really do lo- like you a lot, but I can’t give you that because…” Jester struggles to pull words together that will make him understand, will not hurt him. “I feel like my heart is in two places at once. It has been for a while, since before you kissed me, before we got to Eiselcross, before that even. I thought there was something...wrong with me. To feel that way. So I talked to Yasha about it, and she told me that there were lots of people like that, lots of people who loved two people at the same time in Xhorhas. That they were happy, together. And that I should, you know, tell you. Talk about it and stuff.” Blood is pulsing in her ears as she speaks, loud like thunder in the quiet of her room, the silence that falls after she says this. Vast and terrifying. Jester has fallen from a great height before, and the feeling is similar, like she is plummeting to the earth from the top of a giant tree. Only that time, like so many times before and since, Fjord had been there, in an instant, to catch her. She can’t look at him, her gaze focused on the fire in the grate flickering gently as if there is some light draft that makes it dance.

“Well, that is some relief” Fjord finally breathes and Jester snaps to look at him, shocked at finding a half smile crawling across his face “I thought for a moment there was something terrible you had kept from us all, like the traveler was actually some evil monster tricking us all or I don’t know what.”

“You’re not...mad?” Fjord looks at her with one eyebrow raised, like the question is preposterous. 

“Mad? Why on Exandria would I be _ mad _ ? Jester, I was a sailor - I have seen all sorts. Why should this bother me? You love people so hard you might sprain something, I’ve known that the entire time I’ve known you, so this isn’t _ that _ surprising when I think about it.” The blood is still rushing in her ears as he speaks. This is unbelievable, and yet, here they were. 

“Well, you know, some people are possessive or uncomfortable with stuff like that, and if you are you have to tell me, because I don’t want to do anything that would make you uncomf--” She is stopped mid spiral by a finger pressed softly against her lips.

“Jester,” he lifts the hand to brush a piece of hair behind her ear, “What I want most in the world is for you to be happy. If there is anything I could do to make you happy, I would gladly do it - and if I was uncomfortable with something I would tell you. I _ will _ tell you. I do not mind this, okay? You’re a lover, it’s something I _ like _ about you, and not something I would want to stop you from exploring. Who is it then, Beau? Caleb?” Jester feels her jaw drop and he chuckles. “What? I may not be the world’s _ most _ perceptive person but I can pick up a vibe when I see it. Mostly. Although Beau might be a bit awkward seeing as she’s finally getting into it with Yasha...”

Jester blinks, dumbfounded, as Fjord casually accepts something she has been struggling with internally for _ months _ , in about three minutes. “Fjord?”

“Yeah?” 

“I’m _ really _ glad I met you.” Even now, his smile is bashful, shy. 

“I’m really glad I met you too.” 

Fjord leaves her room a long time later, still smiling, a little kiss drunk, a little high on her relief - they took their time to speak on some boundaries, preliminary stuff until the three of them could get an evening to themselves to formalize what their arrangement might be. Jester had lightly broached the idea of all of them together, and Fjord had seemed thoughtful, like he was going to consider the notion and get back to her about it. He gave her a little thumbs up as he went to his room and she went to the central levitation zone of the tower, heading up to where she was pretty sure a still studying Caleb would be.

She knocks at his door gently, just in case he is really asleep, but it isn’t long before the door is opening to reveal a rumpled Caleb, and Jester is quietly delighted by the way his stern face softens when he realises that it is her at the door. “Can I come in, Caleb?” she asks softly, not wanting to disturb Veth in the next room. 

“Ja, ja, of course. Is everything all right?” He asks as he shuts the door behind her, gesturing to the sofa where he had read Der Katzenprinz to her all those days ago. Jester folds her legs beneath herself as she settles in, happily surprised that Caleb joins her there again instead of taking the armchair, putting distance between them like he would have when they first met. 

“Everything is good, don’t worry Caleb. Well, the tomb takers might bring a crazy mage city back from the Astral plane and destroy us all soon but apart from _ that _ , everything is good!” She beams at him, his surprised laughter a welcome balm on her anxious soul. 

He smiles at her, though there is a deep sadness there that Jester has seen in him from their first meeting, and gestures to the room at large. “Well apart from that. To what do I owe the pleasure of the visit? Do you want to read again?” 

She shuffles a little closer, blushing. “I want to tell you something. A secret. Something you don’t know, I’m pretty sure anyway. Maybe two secrets actually.” He smiles, leaning forward conspiratorially, and Jester strongly considers just kissing him right there and then. 

“ _ Two _ secrets Lavorre? This is a worthy reason to come knocking for sure, I am all ears.” She feels the brush of fur against her leg, and picks Frumpkin up, settling him in her lap just in case there is an emergency and she needs to give Caleb something to hold to calm down. 

“Ok, ok, ok. So, I need you to promise me something before I tell you. Nothing crazy, I swear.” She clarifies at Caleb’s confused brow raise. “Just promise me you will try not to freak out, ok? It’s a good secret - I just don’t want you to do that thing where you get all frozen and dark about stuff, ok?” 

Caleb mulls this over, cringing slightly as she calls out his defense mechanisms. “I… do not always have control over when I get all frozen as you call it, but I promise I will try not to freak out prematurely, how is that, Blueberry?” Jester smiles and takes his hand, the rush of his quiet gasp as she does so not lost on her ears. 

“That’s always going to be good enough for me Caleb, you trying is enough.” His nostrils flare, and he squeezes her hand tightly just once, a sad smile glancing over at her and then quickly blinked away. 

Jester has butterflies in her stomach as Caleb holds her gaze, intense, maybe even without noticing he is doing it. “You...do you know what polyamory is Caleb?” His eyebrows rise to his hairline, clearly not where he thought this was going.

“Ah, ja, I…would say I am fairly, uh, intimately acquainted with the concept.” She giggles at his dry delivery, the joke made with intent for her, and hopes she is not about to make a huge misstep by admitting this to him. 

“Great! Because the first secret is that I am that. Or, I like, want to be like that. Poly amor-ing.” Caleb chokes on air, and Jester finds herself thumping his back for a moment as he splutters.

“Polyamorous,” Caleb coughs out, “when speaking about yourself you would say that you are polyamorous. Technically.” Jester nods seriously, tries the term out on her tongue, how it feels in her mouth, strange but exciting. A word with possibility, like a spell. She liked it.

“That’s the first secret, and the second one is that I have… feelings. For you. And for Fjord. I have for a long time, like a kind of embarrassingly long time if I’m honest Caleb, you’re a very good dancer, you know?” Caleb does freeze then, wide eyed like she is speaking infernal at him instead of telling him that she wants him.

“And I thought that I might not get a chance to tell you, because Fjord kissed me, and I thought that was probably that, right? But then Yasha and I had a super good talk, and I was like _ , Oh _ , I should tell Fjord, so I _ did  _ and he was all like you’re not a freeeeeeeak, you’re a loooooover, I think that’s greeeeeeeeaaaat I want to be polyamorous with you, when are you gonna tell Caaaaaaleb? So I decided that I would tell you, and you could know, and that way if you don’t feel the same it’s ok because at least I told you, everyone is making an _ informed decision _ , you know?”

She lets the silence sit for a while, smiling as Caleb gapes at her, only occasional blinks proving that he is in fact still present in his body. Jester does put Frumpkin around his shoulders like a little scarf, and is rewarded with the absent movement of his hand to Frumpkin’s furry head. A start!

“Are you freaking out in a good way, like an I-want-to-kiss-you-Jester-this-is-amazing type of way, or a, like, I-am-overwhelmed-with-this-information-and-need-a-second way? Or is it more of a you-don’t-want-me-I’m-a-stinky-sad-wizard freak out? Because that one I won’t stand for.” 

Caleb snorts self deprecatingly at that, his head dropping. “Why not, it is true,” he croaks out “I should be your last choice. You know now what I have done. I am not a good man, and not even  _ nearly _ good enough for you. Anyone else...” Jester feels her heart sink as he says that, and her face falls with it. 

“Do you not want...if you don’t like me in the same way Caleb you can just say that, it’s ok.” She whispers shakily, gently letting go of the hand she had been holding. Yasha must have got it wrong. _ She _ must have gotten it wrong, seen something between them that wasn’t there at all. Embarrassment wells up within her. How the hell could she have been so stupid. Just as she begins to rise to leave, Caleb’s hand shoots out and grasps her wrist tightly.

“Of _ course _ I want you, gottverdammt Jester, I have been yours since before we made it to Xhorhas, make no mistake. The _ thought _ of kissing you… the thought of you has kept me awake plenty of nights. But I am not good enough for you, Blueberry, you deserve someone like Fjord, who is good and whole, not a messed up old wizard who killed those closest to him.” She could cry with relief when he begins, because he does want her, has thought about being with her enough that it still lingers in his mind, and the way his voice went gruff as he spoke was undeniably hot, but she feels something prick her thoughts, a little ferocity rearing its head as he tries to make a decision for her. 

“Tell me, Caleb,” She asks, moving until her knees are resting against his thigh, watching him swallow hard as they make contact, “who gets to decide what is and isn’t good enough for me? You?” and then she leans into his ear, dropping her voice to a low whisper “Or me?” Caleb shivers as she asks, his pupils gone wide - and isn’t that something interesting for later - and finally meets her gaze again.

“You do, Jester. Of course. I just… I did not expect to make the cut. I thought you were merely being friendly towards me. I would never have said anything, you know. Not as brave as you.” He smiles at her, one of his true smiles, crooked and lovely, and Jester is very much in danger of spilling that she loves him like she had nearly done with Fjord earlier. Instead, she lets a matching grin spread across her lips and takes his hand back in hers.

“I know a way you could be just as brave Caleb.”

“Oh? And what way is that liebe?” 

“Kiss me.”

And he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'll write a sequel piece but for right now, here it is! The polyamory communication fic no one asked for hahahahaha. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed - feel free to find me on tumblr @oopsalldnd


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